How many times did you hear this as a kid? Always seemed a bit unreasonable to me, but this is a frustrated parental mantra when answering eternal questions when teaching youngsters stuff as they grow up. It is an admonition to say don't imitate me but obey my instructions.

Don’t touch that

Do you remember as a child being told not to do something, and you got the uncontrollable urge to do that very thing? ‘Don’t touch that, it’s hot’, but you had to prove it to yourself, and probably ended up with a burn blister. Wet paint was another – I bet round the world there are child fingerprints forever imprinted on doors, floors or windows.

My husband tells the tale of being told as a child: ‘be careful the wireless rat doesn’t bite you,’ by his father when he was replacing the valves in the radio (for those too young to know, old-fashioned radios had valves in them to control the electric current flow), and of course, he couldn’t keep his fingers out, and ended up getting an electric shock for his disobedience. His little brother was as bad –having been told to put the light out and go to sleep, he was sneakily reading comics in bed by the light of a little candle he had found, and when he heard his dad coming back up the stairs, he hurriedly pushed the still lit candle into the space between the floor and the bed, and managed to set fire to the mattress.

Don’t do that

I remember being aged about four, before going out to play, being told not to go further than the end of the road (so my mother could keep an eye on me), so what’s the first thing I do? Down to the end of the road, round the corner, up the hill, and up the first tree I found. Unfortunately, I got hooked up by the straps of my dungarees (yes, I was a tomboy) and was hanging like a downed wartime pilot swinging by his parachute straps, and my small companion was told in no uncertain terms by me to run home and ‘fess up to my mother where I was, as I needed help. I got into big trouble as you can imagine, but do I remember a sly smile on her face when she thought I wasn’t looking as she rescued me.

It seems defiance in children is a common problem, especially in toddlers and in particular with adolescents, who don’t always realise there might be consequences. It's a normal part of their development and can be expressed in behaviours such as talking back to or disobeying parents, teachers, and other adults, as they try to set their own boundaries. It could also be due to unreasonable parental expectations, or might be related to the child's temperament, or to school problems, family stress, or conflicts between parents. We don’t like it, but sadly most of us experience it, and it’s up to us to try and solve it.

Consequences

Disciplining children well takes wisdom, consistency, and empathy. It also helps to have a ready sense of humour, a whole lot of love, and a good supply of patience. It is wise to establish rules and use consequences to enforce those rules. There will be times you might need to mix in a little creativity into the consequences. Maybe a consequence for leaving clothes on the floor when they were told to put them away – perhaps the laundry basket is hungry for clothes each night before story/bedtime for smaller children - for older kids, make the request and then follow up with a single word, ‘clothes’ or simply point to it. Every child is different – there are no hard and fast rules, as any parent will tell you.

One piece of good advice is to reinforce desirable behaviour, praise positive behaviour and ‘catch children being good’. Avoid nagging and making threats without consequences. Don’t yell, don’t use physical punishment.

But what do I know, I am no child behaviourist – but I managed to grow up and have well-adjusted children of my own!

Author

Marilyn writes regularly for The Portugal News, and has lived in the Algarve for some years. A dog-lover, she has lived in Ireland, UK, Bermuda and the Isle of Man. 

Marilyn Sheridan